Well clearly I don't because I don't remember having this blog! I'd like to change what appears to be the title of my blog content, "Justin Bieber: JB as JC" but am going to let it B. At the time I was seeing a lot of similarities between JB and JC. I cannot explain how or why or even when my interest for Justin fell away. A friend and I were exciting to go dancing to a JB night at a club, which turned out to be the same songs repeated over and over. It was a fun night. That would be heavenly today were it CHRISTINE AND THE QUEENS. Currently she has Chaleur Humaine, then this album released with more English, Chris and is working on what she calls as her "third" album. She has older music available and were I only wealthy. No, I won't be comparing Chris to Christ and I don't compare her with myself either. I see myself in her though. It was immediately clear. I happened upon a video of her one day, it's the Tilted song in French, black and gold, you cannot see her face at all. She's just dancing. I didn't understand the lyrics but they felt poetic. Of course lyrics would be. And in no way am I as good a dancer as she is but I felt that I had done many of the same moves. The moves to the music were perfect, and weird, that's it. I related to the weirdness. Loving Chris is like loving myself. Or has helped bring me to loving myself more for she has been quite open about who she is, well hinted at … which is either intelligent decorum or a bit of shame, in any case, some things are best kept private. But it tantalizes me, because I am also quite open. I can't say I know myself in ways. I'm open and willing to learn however and this has gotten me far in life, in internal ways. I remember when you asked me to slap your face. Was it a lack of openness that without hesitation I said no? I've talked about that with a friend and was surprised to learn that his partner asked him to slap her face and he agreed. And now I'm remembering the look she gave me when I first met her and how it frightened me so I made myself distant. I've told her, in other words. How happy doglike she was and I was like an untrusting cat who ran away into some bushes. I'm happy it all worked out. I've told many people, with friends I am like a dog. Alone, I'm more like a cat. In the generalized way we describe them. Of course we all know loving, friendly cats out on the street as well. I'm a cat person. Woolf Woolf. I wish I could use people's real names to write about them. Their first names. This will get confusing unless I come up with fake names for them. But their real names are perfectly suited for them. I'd ask them what name they would like me to use but that might send me scurrying like a cat if they know I am writing about them. Why is it okay for me to write and name JB or Chris, Heloise Letissier but not my friends? Or is it okay? Am I worrying over nothing? It is good to be considerate and think of others. This is another quality that has served me well in life.
Dear
I start to write your name but realize I cannot. Because that one time you asked, were I to meet...I cannot even write that. I've already written too much. This is the trouble with secrets and not being open. There I've done it again. I'm sorry to say, but I think you must be lying to her about who you are and your life. Even to me you mentioned "secret vodka" and in spite of my gentle prodding or direct requests, you choose not to be open. Which is completely okay with me. Acceptance. Another quality that has served me well. But this is a quality, is it a quality? that everyone does have. Parents accept their monstrous children. These same parents might not accept someone who is homosexual or trans though. Okay, you need a name, for sure. It has come to me now. Drew. And here's how. Butterfly. Drew Barrymore. The one thing that I did not tell you and this makes my body shiver and rock with emotion because it is hard for me to reveal to you...Nel said you were a butterfly. That you would fly in and out of people's lives. "How odd" (said in a Tilda Swinton voice) that yesterday I saw a dark orange, like burnt orange butterfly outside of the library. Usually I just see those white ones, not even sure they are butterflies. No offense white butterflies. We name all the things. Why would you be offended if I got it wrong? What about a relative stranger? Like Vicki who for some reason I keep thinking of as Karen? Or Holly who is using the name Karen online? What's in a name? I'd like to call X X because BOOP X but I can see her husband suing me, so....
Dear Drew, you know me well, but you don't know me now. How I have grown. How lovely it is to come in second. Silver. Knowing me, I hope you remember that I am not a sarcastic person. If I am ever sarcastic I will state that clearly. But it's true. Your love, your fondness for me is uplifting now as it was then. Perhaps more now than then because we are both free of complications. You are happily married and I'm here.
I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to accept your life tether partners idea. I still feel a bit reluctant as uhm maybe you were drunk when you said it? I've only just recently decided alcohol no longer serves me. I can't afford it. I keep missing out on invitations to go out because I've had a drink and am sleepy. I've always preferred being sober and in control. Many people have no idea that I did drink because I don't usually in public. A house party with trusted friends yes. A club, maybe one but I will keep a close eye on it or in my hand. Oh dear. Didn't you say it was unimaginable to you that I would ever do anything to turn you away. I love you. I don't care if you drink. I'm happy to have received my first drunk text. It seemed to take you back in time, the transition time, that you needed between being lovers and back to friends. This is all about me. It has nothing to do with you. Despite our connection. I dislike talking about certain things, like this, out of concern for how others will handle it. Which is a mistake of course. ~ has taught me that. Oh ~. Yes I have to change your name too. Otherwise I couldn't tell the amazing fact that you too sometimes feel like "a total waste of space." Here is the circle before you. Reason and worry. Despite ~ teaching me that, she's also taught me about consent and respect. It is amazing because just look at the work you do and how many strangers you help. Look at your friends, people like me who are lucky to be seen by you, to witness your realness, your honesty, your strength, and what some may call your weakness but that is just more realness. How many times have I complimented ~ or someone else to have her just mirror that back to me. And yet, naturally, she cannot see the mirror she sets up for me. She stands behind the mirror. Shall we say that sometimes I have cracked the mirror and the light gets in. The words of others. They always sounded beautiful, perhaps resonated a little but only now am I truly understanding them. Even as I write I see the connections. But I cannot call her ~ as that will ironically slow me down as I keep accidentally selecting the exclamation point.
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